Kathryn Parker

The Giant In My Life

During the first week in November of 1964, as a senior at Columbia Commercial College in Columbia, SC, majoring in Accounting and IBM Automation, I walked with my best friend, Judy, from our dormitory to a local drug store. Judy and I lived in a dormitory just for women (that was before coed dorms existed). Two blocks down from my dorm on the same street was a boarding house just for men. Some of the male students living there attended the same college I did. Actually, I thought I knew all of the men staying there and that they were all college students from my college. Just as Judy and I were approaching the boarding house, I noticed, parked against the curb was a car with a man in a police uniform with the sleeves of his shirt rolled up, looking under the hood. Admittedly, part of me was a flirt and just as I saw him, my flirting personally came popping out and without slowing my pace or stopping, said "I'll bet I can do that better than you can." Although I didn't know it at the time, I found out later that the man under the hood of the car lived there and because he was a policeman, the boarding house landlady agreed for him to stay there, even though he did not go to the same college, because she felt safer with him there, and would keep the college boys "in line". I don’t remember if he responded to the interruption, if fact, I don't remember if he even looked up. About one half block later, I stopped dead in my tracks and with total surprise to Judy and myself, I said to her, “Oh, no, that is the man I’m going to marry.” I wasn’t looking for a husband because my goal was to graduate from college and work on my own for a few years, to practice being an adult. I tried desperately to put this thought out of my mind.

A few days later, he came to my dormitory, asked to speak to me. I opened the door, but did not come out and he was not invited in. He said, “My name in Barney Fife. I go to law enforcement school from 8 a.m. til 4 p.m., and then walk a cop’s beat until midnight. My day off is Thursday. Will you go out with me?”

My first question was, "How did you find me?"

He replied, "One of the guys in the boarding house was sitting on the porch when you came by and because I knew I had to find you and assumed you were a college student, I asked him if he happened to know who you were. He did know you and told me where you lived and here I am."

I was silently amazed that he had gone to the trouble to find me, but still I answered his question, “No, I have a date Thursday night.”

With a flirty little grin, his reply was “Well, you have two choices, you can break it or break it.”

I was a little stunned and flattered by this response and turned without speaking, gently closed the door and went back inside. I could not quit thinking about his response. I just knew it meant that we had to see each other. Needless to say, when he arrived on Thursday, I was waiting. During our first date, I knew I had no choice but to be with him for the rest of my life. I could fight it if I wanted to, but it would not change the reality of our future.

One and a half months later on December 17, we were married in a church wedding in Columbia with family and friends in attendance, but everyone was still quite stunned. There were so many questions and comments coming at us from all sides and most of them were basically the same. " How do you know you love each other?" "You just haven't known each other long enough." " It is just infatuation." "You're making a big mistake." " Are you pregnant?" He was 24 and I was 19, so one would think that these questions would make us wonder or at least check ourselves for doubt, neither of us picked up on that.

We would have married sooner, but it took that long to have the invitations engraved, addressed and mailed; and besides, I had a long white formal wedding gown to make. The dress was beautiful. It was a simple floor length white satin dress, with long sleeves, with 12 covered buttons on each sleeve closing the openings. It had a round neckline and fell softly with 2 pleats facing the middle on each side of the front and back of the skirt. The train was 6 feet long, made from the same satin, tied with a soft bow in the front and matched the same pleating as the dress. I made my veil from a piece of cardboard that came from a friend's shirt that had just come back from the laundry. I cut a piece of cardboard one and a half inches wide and twelve inches long. It was covered with white satin and to the inner side of the "satin crown" was attached three yards of illusion, which fell softly over my face and just below my shoulders. I often wondered why I chose to use that cardboard instead of using a real crown, it was kind of a silly thing to do. I know now that it happened because what appears to be one thing is often something entirely different and it just reminds me of that fact.

Lucky for me, he helped select the wording for the invitations because that is when I learned his name was not Barney Fife. Barney Fife was a nickname given to him by the guys he lived with, because he was a policeman. Little did I know who this man was or who he would become. How could I know? —I had never stopped to think about that, I just knew we loved each other.

I have been treated for chronic depression since I was 18 and because of that illness I have deep issues with own my self worth, and I still wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life. He has been a tremendous blessing. Maybe I had amnesia and don’t remember the very special deed I did to deserve this blessing, but I have learned to accept it and continue to hope that if a mistake was made, nobody will find out and have it reversed.

Even after 42 years of marriage, I am still in awe of him. His calm, even temperament, and spontaneity are surpassed only by his sincerity and warmth and his continuous ability to stay happy and keep others that way. Focusing on the positive is one of his greatest assets. I truly cannot remember him having ever expressed a negative thought. He has taught me to display positive responses to negative situations. I know now that a half eaten candy bar is not a sad thing because half of it is gone, but find joy in knowing there is still a half of a candy bar left to enjoy. I will never be as good at it as he is, but I will spend my life practicing.

All through our marriage, people have asked me if he is always as happy as he seems. My reply to them has always been, “Yes, he wakes up happy and goes to sleep happy. He always has a pleasant and cheerful disposition. What you see in public is what I see at home.”

He has a great love of people and community. Because of his association with different organizations, he is known throughout the community, the state, the country and even in several foreign countries as a very people and community-oriented man.

He is a charter member and a past president of the Port Royal Rotary Club (now known as the Rotary Club of the Lowcountry). You might have seen him picking up trash along the highway, serving at the Lowcountry Supper during the Beaufort Water Festival, working in the Rotary fund raising booth, bagging groceries for less fortunate families during the holidays or any number of other generous acts of kindness.

One thing he is most proud of is that he appointed the first woman to his Rotary club’s board and she eventually became the first woman president of the Port Royal Rotary Club. This also resulted in her becoming the first woman president in any of the three local Rotary clubs. He served under the leadership of the first female District Governor of Rotary District 7770 as the Assistant Governor for area 5.

Beaufort High School Interact Club is another special organization to him. This group of young people can be relied upon to accomplish the best possible results from any project it undertakes. He is always amazed at their dedication to community service and supports them by attending meetings and participating in their fund-raising projects. Once he even paid them $20 not to have to buy something they were selling for $1. They call him “the coolest guy.”

He is a member of the Port Royal Masonic Lodge, Omar Shrine Temple in Charleston, SC, Scottish Rite, The Billkin's Club and the Royal Order of the Jesters. For ten years he clowned as "Jelly Belly" raising funds for the Shriner's Crippled Children's Hospital. His clown outfit was a full tux, a red pizza-shaped polka-dot hat, red and yellow striped shoes and he had a tongue painted on his chin as if it were hanging out. The hours he spent making balloon animals and doing his magic tricks, to him, seemed like minutes. . All of the money he raised was donated to support crippled children.

He has, at times, said, “I feel like I should be paying someone to do this, because it is so rewarding and makes me feel so good.” He also said, “The more you give, the more you receive.” What greater gift than that of time can you give? It just comes naturally to him. I should interject here that he did have one small situation that required a lot of work when he was clowning. He always had trouble finding shoe polish for his red and yellow striped shoes. That really bothered him.

Most of his insurance career was been spent in the “debit” insurance business. This is the type of insurance business where agents to go to a person’s home to sell policies, then services them by going back to the person’s home weekly or monthly to collect premiums, file claims and address the policyholder’s concerns on the spot. This has been a perfect job for him because it is completely in line with his constant need to protect his flawless ethics and do what is right for people. One example is: He read an obituary in the paper one day of someone who had once had a policy with his company. He stopped by the home of the deceased to give his condolences. He asked if he could help file the insurance claim and his family told him that policy had been dropped and no one was paying on it any more. He had the policy researched and found that is was still in effect, filed the claim and delivered a check for $5,000 to the widow. Without his caring and considerate ways, no one would ever have known to file that claim.

He served as president of the Beaufort Association of Life Underwriters and later served as president of the S.C. State Association of Life Underwriters. While participating in national conventions, helping candidates run for office and holding places on boards, with his unforgettable comical personality, many people around the country know him. I have received phone calls and notes all through our marriage thanking me for “sharing him”. I am proud of the fact that he is so dedicated to his fellow man and woman and his community. Anytime anything needs to be done, a meeting needs to be attended, just call and he’s there.

The biggest argument we have had in our 42 years together is about which one of us loves the other the most. Special personal moments are hard to pick from because there are so many, but a few memories come to mind about his character.

A few years ago, I broke my left ankle and as a result, suffered from RSD (Reflex Sympatric Dystrophy), a painful sensitive nerve condition in my lower leg. He would rub “witch hazel” on my leg but before he did he would warm it in the palm of his hands. How sweet is that?

I had been on a business trip to Washington, DC for a week, and the night I arrived home, he picked me up from the airport and as he drove home I thought how happy I was to see him. I had missed him terribly. When we arrived home, he had dinner prepared and served it on Christmas plates. After I enjoyed the dinner, it dawned on me that it was June and if we were eating off Christmas plates, everything else in the kitchen must be dirty. When I asked him if that was the case he said, “No, having you home is like celebrating Christmas.” Ahhhh!

To share my thoughts on how this man is as a husband, being married to him has been one long adventure; clowns, travels, hedgehogs, squirrels, cats, dogs, and even baby flounders and flat mailboxes. Our marriage has truly been a treat. He still makes me laugh. Recently as he explained the way squirrels think while they are being fed, his comment was "Squirrels are really very smart. To them, I am just a big pecan, just a big walking, talking feeding station." He has made my life very interesting and I would not change any part of it.

In my opinion, the main reason that our marriage has worked so well for us is that we truly respect each other and accept each other for who we are. Maybe each of us needs numerous changes, but we have not taken on that challenge. We have left that for each of us to conquer on our own. All marriages take a lot of work and we have worked on ours. It has not been hard work, but work we both enjoy. One of the goals on a list that I created for myself, is to do everything possible to make sure when we meet in Heaven; I will not overhear him telling his friends that I nagged him to death. I have found that nagging, in the common sense of the word, is not necessary. I have created my own form of getting things done by writing him love notes. They always begin the same and end up something like this: "Your mission today, should you decide to accept it, is either take a nap or take out the trash, whichever sounds better to you." I am careful not to write too many of these and always sign them with ILYTM (I love you the most).

We are the perfect example of opposites being attracted to each other. One example is that I like a place for everything and everything in its place. His idea about surfaces is that they were made to have something put on them. We don't argue about this, I just remember that instead of his being at home with cluttered surfaces, he could be in a bar drinking. Compromise is so easy.

For the past 42 years, I have been living in anticipation of our next adventure. When I go to sleep at night, the anticipation of his whereabouts by the time I wake up the following morning has always been very real. I am always happy in the morning when I realize that he is still with me and accept his presence as a gift. I have enjoyed and treasured each of these 15,330 gifts.

In February of 1999, he became ill and by March was diagnosed with Non-Ischemic Cardiomyopathy, a severe heart condition. His cardiologist told him for his own welfare, he must retire. This was devastating news to both of us and with my mind running like a speeding train with no brakes. I just could not get away from this news fast enough and the train kept running. I begged, “Please, God, help my husband.” Suddenly the brakes started to slow the train down as the initial shock wore off and I was able to think clearly, I couldn’t decide if I was more upset about my husband or this wonderful community servant. He is so great in both roles.

He went to a class reunion recently and one of his old classmates said she had heard he was not well. She said, “Don’t worry, we’re all going to a better place.” His response was, “I can’t even imagine a place any better that where I’ve been all my life.”

I could go on and on about this man, who if you haven’t seen him in any of the above places, could have been seen picking up mail at Beaufort Post Office downtown then picking up trash from the parking lot. “Just because it’s my town and I’m proud of it.”

His doctor told him last week, that if his Diabetes does any more damage to his kidneys, he would have to have a transplant. When I got home, he was telling me the details of the doctor’s visit and the phone rang. A fellow Rotarian called him and said he was trying to find someone to follow him to Warner Robins Air Force base in Georgia to take his daughter’s car. She had been in Afghanistan for the past 6 months and was coming home in a few days. Without hesitation, he said. “Of course, what time do you want to leave?” On the way back home, the man thanked him and said he was surprised that he answered so quickly. My husband’s response was, “After what she is doing for me and our country, I had no choice, even if you had asked me to drive to Washington.” One day he is told that a kidney transplant might be in his near future and the next day he spent 5 hours traveling to support a person fighting the war. Always, doing good for others outweighs any bad news he is given.

This person, outside of our own community, might not be recognized by this description or his appearance. You might have expected someone who everyone knows, but this man lives in my world and is the reigning giant. This man is my husband, Bertis Reed Parker, Jr.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it “Bert, I do love you the most.”

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